party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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