Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
