Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
