I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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