I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
