somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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