I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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