Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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