Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
