Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
