it's like iHOP with fire
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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