just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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