it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
