Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
