Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
