we have officially lost it.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
