i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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