I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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