Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
