you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
