and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
