The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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