My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
