he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
