My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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