Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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