I wannas sexs uuuuu
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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