Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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