We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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