ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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