Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
