i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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