if you like me you must not know who I am
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
