I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
