Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
