I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
