He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
