I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
