Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
