I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
This house was built for laser tag.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
