I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
