U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
