U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
