I have demons in me.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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