the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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