i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
