I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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