i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
