so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
