At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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