My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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